Here is a wonderfully comical yet completely truthful YouTube video of popular gay men on the Internet, speaking about how they would like to be treated as human beings and not as tokenized gay men. It’s called “Straight Girl’s Guide to Gay Boys,” which is in other words the anti-commodification of gay men guide. Check it out!
TEDx Talk on the GBF
Hey! So I haven’t posted in quite some time. But I stumbled across this TEDx video on YouTube by Mark Pampanin from Chapman University in Southern California. Apparently his speech is nationally recognized and award winning. It’s so great to see a topic that I am very passionate about being discussed around the country. Check out the video below. It’s a humorous (but still serious) dissection of the GBF from problem to solution.
G.B.F. The Movie
I stumbled upon a Huffington Post article that discussed a new movie that was recently shown at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York. There are two reasons why I already love this film and I haven’t even seen it yet. 1. It is an entire movie about the GBF. 2. It features Megan Mullally, who played the drunk socialite in the sitcom Will & Grace, arguably my favorite T.V. show as well as favorite character.
Now back to G.B.F (the movie). The article describes it as a mix between Clueless and Mean Girls, and after watching the trailer, I would have to agree with this. It has attractive, popular girls at the center stage of the school. The two gay men come into scene as closeted young men trying to figure out the best way to come out – since there were no disclosed gay men at their school, and it was discovered that the GBF was desired. The more extroverted character, Brent, plans to make a huge coming-out production in hopes of being this desirable GBF while the more introverted one, Tanner, does not originally want to out himself. However, the shy character inadvertently becomes the one to disclose his homosexuality, and more importantly, become the idealized GBF to his schoolmates.
Throughout the trailer, pieces of what I have discussed in previous posts are apparent. Below I have enumerated a few of the trailer quotes supplemented with brief explanations of their implications.
1. “The hottest new trend sweeping schools worldwide is the G.B.F.”
- This hints at the fact that having a GBF is trendy and cool. That it is a fad and will eventually wear off. Therefore, if the trend ends, which it eventually will, the relationships with GBFs will also end because they were originally superficially founded.
2. “My future G.B.F. is just waiting to come out of the closet and tell me how fierce I am.”
- As if GBFs were born to serve straight females. I am certain that Tanner coming out was for his own benefit, not for the servitude of others’ needs.
3. “Our very own homosexual.”
- The collective “our” is interesting to look at. Its usage indicates that gay men, in this case, are owned or collectively revered. It is not an intimate (one-on-one) relationship but instead a mere social relationship that expands over a network of individuals.
4. “You don’t even sound like the ones on Bravo… We can totally gay you over.”
- This basically says that being sexually gay is separate from being culturally gay. To be a true GBF you need to have certain qualities (e.g., sassy, fashion-oriented, etc.), ones that are innate in gay men on Bravo. This leaves a narrow window for gay men to exist.
5. “It seems that many of you girls are treating Tanner as more of a prize to be won than an actual person.”
- The voice of reason right here. Enough said.
6. “Maybe everyone secretly wants a GBF.”
- This goes along with the first quote listed above in that having a GBF is desirable like an in-style fashion accessory.
7. “Oh come on. You call this an ensemble. Get it together guuuuuuuurrrrlll.”
- If you recall from a previous post, the use of “gurl” as a means of communicating with GBFs is not always well received, which was the case with Tanner. Even if, as Megan Mullally clarifies, it is spelled “gurl” (informal “hey”) and not “girl” (gender), it is still offensive.
Despite all the critiques I have made from an analytical viewpoint, I know that I will enjoy this film. It is essentially pointing out all the fallacies in the perceptions of the GBF with a culminating moral message about the ill treatment of gay men as prizes or tokens. All in all, I hope you were as amused with this clip as I was, and I look forward to my forthcoming viewing of this film.
“I am not your Gay Best Friend” – The Stanford Daily
The other day, an article about the “gay best friend” was posted in The Stanford Daily, titled “I am not your Gay Best Friend.” It is a personal take on why the ubiquitous use of the term “gay best friend” undermines the struggle of coming out as a gay man, as if the reason for coming out was to simply serve straight females – with funny remarks and sassy quips. In my opinion, it is a great viewpoint and a must-read!
My favorite line from Cooper William’s article is, “he is a person, three-dimensional, who experienced significant pain coming to terms with his homosexuality,” in contrasting the truth about gay men with others’ skewed perception of them. This really resonates with me, and probably would for any living and breathing gay man. This connects back with my previous posts about the commoditization and tokenization of the gay best friend, and how through this process, gay men become de-humanized and worn as an accessory at social events. As Cooper puts it, straight women wonder “when will he start saying ‘guuurl’ again?”
So essentially, we (Cooper and I) are trying to say with our respective writing that we are gay, we are best friends, we are men, we are gay best friends, BUT we are not A gay best friend (interchangeable) or GBFs (commodities). We are people, just like everyone else.
The Psychology of the GBF-Straight Woman Relationship
A recent article from Psychology Today published in February 2013 explains research-corroborated reasons for the ubiquitous existence of the fag hag, or fruit fly (straight women who prefer to associate and hang out with gay men). Studies show that straight women choose to surround themselves with gay men because they give honest relationship advice. Other women can be too catty, evidenced by an evolutionary way of staying competitive with each other.
This shows that there is a meaningful underpinning to their relationship beyond the commonly held belief that gay men and straight women share a love of fashion and beauty products. This is very fascinating given that most of media and popular culture focuses on the superficial aspects of the relationship, when in fact there is a deep rooted evolutionary advantage to the friendship.
So, if you are a self-identified “fag hag” or “fruit fly,” you can have solace in knowing that this will help you out in the long run in terms of potential dating relationships.
*Image from: http://msp6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/93euro/thisbitchhhh.gif
Do these gbfs really transcend the stereotype?
Recently a friend sent me this article on “BuzzFeed LGBT” that is titled “11 Gay BFFs In The Movies Who Transcend The Stereotype.” She knew that I was writing a blog on the “gay best friend” and thought that this would be of interest to me. While I enjoyed reading the article, I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I love that it addressed the issue of the stereotyped gay best friend in television and cinema. However, on the other hand, it subtly states that being effeminate is not an attractive characteristic of the gay best friend.
The description for the article claims, “You know them well – gay, flamboyant and…that’s it. These dudes stole movies from their leading ladies (and men) – and managed to not be total cliches at the same time.” In my opinion, the word usage is too aggressive in calling these gay men who act more according to heternormative rules as “dudes.” Additionally, it is almost as if the author is having a sigh of relief, like “whew! I’m glad that they aren’t SO gay and cliché.” Being flamboyant should never be considered a bad thing. The problem is a uniform portrayal of gay men, particularly gay best friends, in media.
Another point to be made is that most of the gay characters from this article do have many of these gay stereotypes that the author is claiming are absent. Damian from Mean Girls is more definitely flamboyant! I can’t imagine someone arguing against this – he shrieks, loves fashion and talks about pop icons. I think the author should have written the article by discussing the fact that these characters possibly transcend the stereotype because they have a distinct voice and role, that something can be learned from these characters apart from their relationship with their female counterparts. That, in my belief, would garner a more effective argument.
Reclaiming the Term “Gay Best Friend”
Since it is the midpoint of my blogging for social justice issues course, I wanted to take the time to connect the past blog posts together.
Two years ago I took a linguistics course on language and discrimination and we discussed the idea of reclaiming negative words or expressions. For example, “queer” was once used to slight homosexual individuals, but now it is commonly used as a self-expressed identity. In reflecting on my past blog posts that discuss the pros and cons of being called a “gay best friend,” I propose that we as a gay community should reclaim “gay best friend” as a positive expression – not as a stereotyped and commoditized label, but as a new and proud identity. It worked for queer, and so I imagine that it could work for “gay best friend.”
How does this work? Well, I believe that instead of letting other people (of non-gay male identities) solely use this word to describe us, we can use it to proudly define ourselves. If we are sassy or fashionable or supportive, it is something that we are or choose to be – not something that we have to be, need to be or are in relation to someone else, namely straight females. So I am a proponent of a shift from this label being something we are called when we are introduced to others (e.g., hey, this is my gay best friend!) to a label with which we self-identify (e.g., I’m your gay best friend!). This transformation in usage gives the power to gay men in describing themselves, not other people.
This is my thought on how “gay best friend” can be positively construed for all parties involved. What is your opinion?
Here, I will leave you with some food for thought — this product literally shows the commoditization of the gay best friend:
Gay Men will Marry Your Girlfriends
If you haven’t viewed this yet, it is a must-see! This viral video, produced by CollegeHumor several months ago, received about 4.5 million views on YouTube. It is witty and comically overplays the gay best friend / straight girl relationship. It essentially hyperbolizes the idea that the gay best friend is so perfect for straight girls that he will eventually replace the necessity of a straight boyfriend.
Videos in general that highlight the gay best friend role or in this case, the gay husband role, offer both positive and negative viewpoints on gay men. On one hand, they show how great we are – we are so great that straight females want us around all the time! But on the other hand, they show how commoditized, interchangeable, stereotypical and fashionable gay men are perceived to be. Essentially if gay men fall outside of this category, they could feel undesired and unwanted on both a societal and personal level. Gay men have a broad array of interests and personality traits, but only a select few are celebrated.
If you are a gay man and like sports? Not cool. Like shopping and froyo? Super hip.
If you are a straight man and like sports? Desirable. Like shopping and froyo? Sexuality is questioned.
Essentially, if you fall outside of this socially constructed box, you don’t fit in well.
“I am looking for a new gay best friend”
Building upon my last post about the “accessorization” of gay males in media, I wanted to give a personal testimony based on an actual experience that I had. A few weeks ago, I was with my friends at Necto, a night club in Ann Arbor, which has a pride night. This is a time when homosexuals (though mostly gay men) come together to drink, dance and generally have a great time. However, there is also the ubiquitous presence of the straight female, commonly known as a “fag hag*” or “fruit fly*”, who accompanies gay men at the club and bar.
Now, I was with some friends when we were stopped by two women. One of the girl’s eyes became inordinately wide and her demeanor completely changed; she became super excited and happy… to see me. She explained two things (1) how she already had a “gay husband” as she referred to him; and (2) how she was looking for a new “gay best friend.”
You can probably guess where this story is going. She then told me that I would be perfect – how I was cute and nicely dressed, and conversely how her “gay husband” was not that attractive. I was both flattered and taken aback by this offer. Who wouldn’t want to be seen as attractive? However, she doesn’t even know me personally, yet she wants me as her gay best friend.
Aside from the fact that this seemed like a bizarre conversation to be having with a stranger, it is interesting to me the distinct roles of the “gay husband” and the “gay best friend.” The former seems to play the supportive quotidian role while the latter is necessary for being the arm candy that compliments the straight female during outings and shopping trips, for example.
Thus, it appears that the concept of the gay best friend is not simply something that is observed from a far on a television screen, but it is pervasive in real life.
*the terms “fag hag” and “fruit fly” are important to discuss in terms of their pros and cons in usage, but beyond the scope of this particular post.
Television’s Gay Obsession by Bryan Safi
Because I just wrote a post about television’s universal positioning of the gay best friend, I wanted to show you all a great video by Bryan Safi on Television’s Gay Obsession. Not only is the gay best friend stereotyped as supportive and cultural, but they are commoditized like the latest fashion trend – a must have for the modern city girl! I think that Bryan hits the mark right on with both levity and seriousness. Check it out!
From this InfoMania segment, I particularly liked Bryan’s montage of women talking about how they need “the gays” or “a gay,” as if all gay men were exchangeable accessories that you wear depending upon your outfit of the day. Using general expressions that clumps gay men together, such as “gays,” doesn’t bode well in the gay community. It undermines individuality and overplays sexual identity for the wrong purposes, particularly for the benefit of the best girl friend.
The Gay Best Friend 